I know you're moving to Orlando to play for the Pride, and I'm not sure if you know this or not, but I also live in Orlando. Now, I'm not going to say that I have been praying and wishing that this would happen, but to be honest, I have.
Alex, do you believe in destiny? All we need is for you to divorce your "husband" and just give me an opportunity. It's not every day that you find a Latino with green eyes that has a great understanding of how the US economy works. I'm a rare breed baby, and I know for a fact that we will be perfect together. We have so much in common! You wear 13, I wore 13 in high school. You were on the cover of FIFA 16, I played FIFA 16. You're from California, I've been there once (it was alright). You scored a Hat Trick versus Trinidad & Tobago, I scored a Hat Trick in my intramural indoor league on the same night.
Hopefully when you take the field for the first time with the Orlando Pride, you will see my "Alex will you marry me?" sign and sub yourself out of the game and go to the courthouse to begin the divorce process. And as I do every week, I'll leave you with a quote, this week from the singer James Blunt, "You're Beautiful!"
I am writing to you on this day to let you know my feelings about your play as of late. Now, grandpapa Bernie isn't what he used to be when it comes to these kind of letters, but I must say that I am incredibly embarrassed by what you ladies have been doing lately. Just the other day, after I got done promising a crowd of Art History, Dance and Latin Students that their incredibly important majors and education should be free and paid for by the Engineer, Computer Science and Economics students, I decided to relax by turning on the old Television box to watch my novellas. But what I saw when the box turned on was a Soccer match between you and the Puerto Rican team. I thought to myself, here's another way I can appeal to the voters, I'll not only watch soccer to get the Hispanic vote, but it’s women playing! Hillary, you better watch out!!! So as I jiggled around the antenna on top of the box, I was able to see even clearer, and what I saw in that clear picture was a score of 3 to 0.
Now I figured that this may be a mistake, why are these ladies winning by such a large margin? In the first half no less. Puerto Rico deserved to have goals just like us, they have worked just as hard as our team so this isn't right! They already do not get to be a full state but only a Territory after all. The half was coming to a close so I thought to myself "They will probably let Puerto Rico comeback and the game will end a draw". When it comes to scores, nothing gets my old blood churning faster than an equal score. So half time was about to begin but then, BAM, you ladies scored again! I couldn't believe my old, bloodshot eyes! 4 goals while Puerto Rico is over there working so hard to be left with 0. My heart started beating faster and a cold sweat was now secreting from my pores. I took this time between halves to calm myself down by reading some literature by my idol, Karl Marx. MMM nothing better than a socialistic paradise where everything is free and Donald Trump is our butler. I can picture it now, sitting in the white house, watching everyone in the NFL get a super bowl trophy for trying and the Donald paying for little Timmy's 8 years of Community College while fetching my rich, chocolate Ovaltine.
It wasn't a long daydream thanks to you ladies scoring yet again making the score 5-0. At this point I was livid and I was having trouble seeing straight, and then not even a minute later another goal!!! 6-0, Crystal Dunn.... I used to think Capitalism was the scariest thing to ever exist but Crystal Dunn has become the definition of nightmares. Ms. Dunn you alone scored 5 goals, you alone know what you have done to anger Grabpapa Bernie. I cannot stand for this! You won the game 10-0. Now Puerto Rico understands how to be compassionate players, they scored an own goal. Why could you ladies not at least return the favor? What is even worse is that in the last 4 games you ladies have outscored the opponent 21-0. Which is the reason why that I ask, no DEMAND that you disband this insensitive fat cat team you have. Every other team deserves to win, just as much as us! No more, no less. So as I finish up this letter, I want you to remember that winning is not everything, it's whether you had fun or not and if you were apart of a team.
Why Bernie Sanders is wrong and USWNT are Great
So I just got done reading Bernie Sanders letter above to the US Women's Team and holy hell is he bat shit crazy. Makes me wonder what they put in the water up there in Vermont? Probably the same stuff the Canadians are drinking? First of all, why would we want to draw with a team as bad as Puerto Rico? If you've been following along to the blogs, you'll notice that it pisses me off when the US Men's team barely beats a team that claims to be a land full of ice (Iceland AKA Isis-land) and this old lunatic wants draws? Well thankfully our women's team is kicking ass and taking names. The outcome from Monday shows you exactly why Puerto Rico wants to be the 51st state, so that way they can feel the rush of excitement when winning by such a large margin. Since December, the team is 6-1 with a 29-1 goal differential. If it wasn't for a slip up in Amy Wambach's last game, this team would be 7-0 with 40-0 as the goal differential. Truth be told, if you were to try and submit the game against Puerto Rico to a pornography site, you will most likely be arrested for trying to post video of a rape. Keep up the great work ladies, your country is proud of you, well most of us anyways.
When I close my eyes and envision what Captain America looks like, I don't see the generic tall strong white guy who holds a shield and has a weird mask/beanie on. No, I see a 6 foot 1 black man that has no need to hold a shield or a stupid mask/beanie, I see Jozy Altidore. He is the hero the US deserves and the one it needs right now. With a country that is torn between who it wants leading it, the answer is simple: Altidore 2016. If the January friendlies have taught this country anything, it's that Jozy is the most patriotic American in the country, he bleeds Red, White and Blue (when he is shape enough to play of course). The American Bald Eagle considers Jozy to be the majestic and strong willed symbol of this great nation. If Jozy were president, there would be no need for executive orders, because everything this man, no this LEGEND will do, will be for the benefit of this country. The fact that he took down the most hated country in the world in the 89th minute is all he needs to base his campaign on.
That's right Canada, everyone hates you. Canada is the reason behind all of the world’s problems, from famine to terrorism, Canada has been the major contributor to all of this. Let's list off some other stupid nonsensical things Canada has plagued the world with: hockey, saying “eh” after every sentence (they can’t even spell it right), free healthcare that takes months to see a doctor, and worst of all Justin Bieber. Their currency even has another countries queen on it. That would be like the US having King George III on our dollar bill. No, we have the guy that kicked his countries ass in the revolutionary war, George "Freedom" Washington. Canada, stop being so terrible and realize America is the gold standard in what it means to be a country. Let's consider the following metaphor, America is Ned Flanders and Canada is Homer Simpson. I know what you're saying, everyone hates Ned, and Homer is the star of the show. Well if you look deeper into The Simpsons, Ned is actually the star. The similarities between American and Ned Flanders are endless: The stupid countries hate us/Homer is retarded and hates Ned, Ned is shredded with muscles/America's Military is nothing to mess with. Everyone wants their kids to grow up to be like Ned/Everybody wants be American. It's not called the Canadian dream, it's called the American Dream.
The US should take Trump’s idea and modify it to where it is really needed, put a fence on the border between Canada and the US. But of course still have Mexico pay for it. Every year more and more Justin Biebers are sneaking into our country and pissing off all of us hard working, Americans. Now if only Jozy can just stop making late night Dunkin Donut runs and be too out of shape to play and getting sent home from the 2015 Gold Cup, maybe we have found the Captain America. Jozy 2016, let’s take a small 1 million dollar loan and get the campaign started. Or if he will self-fund this campaign too, Jozy/Trump 2016, we will not turn down money. And as usual, I will leave you with a quote that sums up the entire blog entry, and since there isn't anything more American than Kentucky Fried Chicken, we will us the legendary Colonel Sander's amazing quote, "I'm too drunk, to taste this chicken".
So the US Men's team decided to give all of it's fans a nice little heart attack with the recent friendly against not so friendly Iceland or as I like to call them, Isisland, that's right Isis-land. Now they may not be known for producing terrorist, but they terrorized the men's team the entire match. How is it the USMNT had to come back twice against them, and then in the 90th minute we got a game winning header? The only thing I can think of is that the night prior to this match, the US men's team decided to stay up and watch the timeless classic known as D2: The Mighty Ducks. The way that this movie and this match resemble each other is incredible. If I didn't know any better it was as though this game was fixed, and they wanted to treat the fans of The Mighty Ducks to a sequel that is much better than D3: The Mighty Ducks, that movie sucked and everyone involved with that film should either be shot, stabbed or forced to vet Syrian refugees. Let's face it, we should be thankful this game ended with the same outcome as D2 and thankful that Emilio Estevez was the coach of the Ducks.
His coaching is truly what fueled them to a victory, when you talk about the Mount Rushmore of hockey the 4 names that come to mind are, Wayne Grezky, some other white guy, another white guy, and Emilio Estevez. Truth be told, I don't know anything about hockey but what I do know is that the US would never have defeated Iceland, if it wasn't for him. Also, let's take a minute to be thankful that the team was not coached by Emilio's brother, Charlie Sheen. Although sometimes Klinsmann’s decisions make about as much sense as Sheen’s life in general this would be a bad combination.
Now back to the soccer match and the only thing that matters in life, Winning. How the US didn't win comfortably is ridiculous, we had 16 shots, with 4 on goal to their 6 shots and 3 on goal. We had 8 CORNERS!!! They had 2, and swe had 62% possession. Calling this match an underwhelming performance is like calling Kim Kardashian an underwhelming person. All the potential in the world, but one bad move after another and you're sitting there with a last second win against an inferior opponent and being married to Kanye and having a bunch of ridiculously named kids. Does the USMNT really want to be the Kim Kardashian of the soccer world? The obvious answer is absolutely not, we want to be the Chris Pratt of the soccer world, making raptors obey our commands and having Raccoon with a gun be your best friend. Wake up USMNT, you're never going to be Chris Pratt playing like that against Iceland’s B or C team.
I will however, applaud the players that actually strived to be their own Chris Pratts: Jozy Altidore, Steve Birnbaum, Michael Bradley. As outlined in the Player Recap for this game on our site, these players stepped up in crunch time and kept this ship from sinking. America loves you Jozy, Steve and Michael, rally the troops and let's keep winning. Lastly, I know you all are thinking this is an overreaction to a friendly, but damn it, losing sucks on all levels of sports. Losing at monopoly makes me contemplate suicide and I get in a deep depression when my trivia team doesn't win. To quote the Late great Henry Red Sanders, "Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing."
Today marks an event monumental to the revolution that is US Soccer Talk. A revolution that will echo through the pantheon of soccer news greatness. Today begins the wild and raucous ramblings of a crazy man that at times can be biased and unwilling to hear out a well thought out argument with factual evidence that proves him wrong. I guess you could call this man a "Typical American" and boy howdy, is he proud of it. This man is never one to shy away from offending the politically correct, which seems to be a rarity these days. If he was Irish, he'd be a leprechaun, if he was Argentine, he would hate Messi and think Diego Maradona is the name of an STD. Technically the Diego Maradona thing could be real, that dude is living the life of a drug lord and a God.
Now let's get back to the real meaning behind this blog: The beginning of a revolution. We're a new start up soccer site that will strive to give you up to date articles, blogs, vlogs and anything else the readers want. We want to be an interactive website that let's soccer fans voice their unbiased and biased opinions and have the freedom to discuss this beautiful game with other fans around the world. Our main mission, however, is to bankrupt Facebook and Twitter and become as powerful as Google and eventually buy them out and rule the world.
Once we have this power, we believe we can make the U.S. realize how great soccer is and how it's not boring. "Soccer is so boring" is the most outlandish comment that can possibly be made. Oh yeah ignorant American who doesn't like soccer, please tell us with as much detail why watching NASCAR for what seems like 10 hours doing the same thing over and over is so entertaining. The rest of the world gets it, we're just afraid to fall in love again ever since baseball broke our hearts with all this steroid B.S. And just as slowly as we are to accept baseball back into our hearts, we are slowly answering those late night "are you up" texts from soccer, just wanting us to give it a chance.
Soccer, we love you, we're just afraid of being hurt. Slowly, but surely, we are letting you into our hearts with MLS expansion teams popping up all over the country and interest in the U.S. Men's and Women's National soccer teams at an all time high. Hope is on the horizon, and we're headed in a B line right for it. A great way to describe America's ongoing changing feelings towards soccer is the relationship between the rebels in Star Wars and the Ewoks. At first they didn't understand each other and the Ewoks were foreign and strange to the rebels, but as time went on they realized "holy shit, the Ewoks are bad ass and if we work together we can take down the evil empire and then have a kick ass party together" the evil empire in America's case is ignorance. Let's destroy the ignorance and have that kick ass party with soccer.