Suicidal Squad

In the immortal words spoken by the late, great Michael Jordan on his decision to return to the NBA after a stint playing baseball to hide away from his gambling debts and bookies, "I'm Back". That's right, this blogger is back after a long time off to hide away from similar situations that MJ had to go through. Mine however were more along the lines of how the US Men's National Team decided to just roll over and let the Argentine god, Lionel "The Magic Man" Messi have his way with the team in the Copa tournament. That loss sent me into a deep, deep depression that only a gold medal in the Olympics would have cured. Well as you can see by the title of this blog, things did not go as planned. A country that's basically only known for its meatballs and their crazy accents took down the most dominant power in the world. The goddess herself, Alex Morgan went from savior with a equalizing goal missed a penalty kick in the loss to Sweden. The USWNT loss to Sweden in the Quarterfinals of the Rio Olympics is basically the equivalent scenario to the country of Haiti beating the US in a war, or a cheetah being Usain Bolt in a race. The US Women’s National Team loss to Sweden along with the losses in the Copa sent me into a suicidal mood that I didn't think would ever be cured, much like the famous Zika Virus.

These losses have made me question my American pride and if this country truly is free or if it's just a cool catchphrase to say "land of the free". Maybe the US was just the first country to think of this and they marketed the hell out of the phrase so now we got Mexicans and Canadians coming here and making things less free. All of these thoughts lead me to go to my nearest government building, the post office, and pray to the American forefathers that once governed this, what I used to thing great nation. I meditated for hours praying to Lincoln, Washington, Reagan and Clint Eastwood. That day, none of my prayers were answered, not one sign that this country is free or that the soccer teams will bounce back and restore my American pride. On my walk home, I decided that it was just time to end this charade of a life and rid myself of all the pain and sorrow.

There was a bridge that overlooked a busy highway that would definitely do the trick, maybe through death I'll finally be free and happy. As I climbed on the ledge of the bridge, I looked down and just knew this was the right choice to make. I looked up to the sky one last time to see if there were any signs to stop, but nothing. As I spoke my final words, "Read my lips, no new taxes", a car stopped and yelled at me to get down and not to jump. I turned around to see who would possibly request this to me, it was the local mail man, a government worker who couldn't care less if I died or not. It would be one less person to sent mail to and an easier route for him. The mail man talked me out of jumping, he introduced himself to me, his name was Ulysses Anderson. For some reason, by powers beyond my recognition, I asked the man what his middle name was. When he replied to me "Samuel" tears of remorse and joy flooded my eyes. The man's initials were USA, you can't make this stuff up. A mail man with the initials USA saved my life, it's as if Reagan was up in Heaven with Jesus sending me a guardian angel. When I got home, I realized, this country truly is the land of the free, even if those damn Canadians keep coming down here and annoying the hell out of us.

 knew that the Women's team will come back stronger from this and win every tournament leading up to the World Cup and then destroy ever country they face in the World Cup and reign supreme over everyone again. I know the Men's team will finally become a force to take seriously and that countries will now fear the US in soccer. And I know that this country is the greatest one in the world. The suicidal thoughts are gone, and the American pride and patriotism are back and stronger than ever. To quote my favorite all time college football player Bobby Boucher, "Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush".