So the US Men's team decided to give all of it's fans a nice little heart attack with the recent friendly against not so friendly Iceland or as I like to call them, Isisland, that's right Isis-land. Now they may not be known for producing terrorist, but they terrorized the men's team the entire match. How is it the USMNT had to come back twice against them, and then in the 90th minute we got a game winning header? The only thing I can think of is that the night prior to this match, the US men's team decided to stay up and watch the timeless classic known as D2: The Mighty Ducks. The way that this movie and this match resemble each other is incredible. If I didn't know any better it was as though this game was fixed, and they wanted to treat the fans of The Mighty Ducks to a sequel that is much better than D3: The Mighty Ducks, that movie sucked and everyone involved with that film should either be shot, stabbed or forced to vet Syrian refugees. Let's face it, we should be thankful this game ended with the same outcome as D2 and thankful that Emilio Estevez was the coach of the Ducks.
His coaching is truly what fueled them to a victory, when you talk about the Mount Rushmore of hockey the 4 names that come to mind are, Wayne Grezky, some other white guy, another white guy, and Emilio Estevez. Truth be told, I don't know anything about hockey but what I do know is that the US would never have defeated Iceland, if it wasn't for him. Also, let's take a minute to be thankful that the team was not coached by Emilio's brother, Charlie Sheen. Although sometimes Klinsmann’s decisions make about as much sense as Sheen’s life in general this would be a bad combination.
Now back to the soccer match and the only thing that matters in life, Winning. How the US didn't win comfortably is ridiculous, we had 16 shots, with 4 on goal to their 6 shots and 3 on goal. We had 8 CORNERS!!! They had 2, and swe had 62% possession. Calling this match an underwhelming performance is like calling Kim Kardashian an underwhelming person. All the potential in the world, but one bad move after another and you're sitting there with a last second win against an inferior opponent and being married to Kanye and having a bunch of ridiculously named kids. Does the USMNT really want to be the Kim Kardashian of the soccer world? The obvious answer is absolutely not, we want to be the Chris Pratt of the soccer world, making raptors obey our commands and having Raccoon with a gun be your best friend. Wake up USMNT, you're never going to be Chris Pratt playing like that against Iceland’s B or C team.
I will however, applaud the players that actually strived to be their own Chris Pratts: Jozy Altidore, Steve Birnbaum, Michael Bradley. As outlined in the Player Recap for this game on our site, these players stepped up in crunch time and kept this ship from sinking. America loves you Jozy, Steve and Michael, rally the troops and let's keep winning. Lastly, I know you all are thinking this is an overreaction to a friendly, but damn it, losing sucks on all levels of sports. Losing at monopoly makes me contemplate suicide and I get in a deep depression when my trivia team doesn't win. To quote the Late great Henry Red Sanders, "Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing."