I am writing to you on this day to let you know my feelings about your play as of late. Now, grandpapa Bernie isn't what he used to be when it comes to these kind of letters, but I must say that I am incredibly embarrassed by what you ladies have been doing lately. Just the other day, after I got done promising a crowd of Art History, Dance and Latin Students that their incredibly important majors and education should be free and paid for by the Engineer, Computer Science and Economics students, I decided to relax by turning on the old Television box to watch my novellas. But what I saw when the box turned on was a Soccer match between you and the Puerto Rican team. I thought to myself, here's another way I can appeal to the voters, I'll not only watch soccer to get the Hispanic vote, but it’s women playing! Hillary, you better watch out!!! So as I jiggled around the antenna on top of the box, I was able to see even clearer, and what I saw in that clear picture was a score of 3 to 0.
Now I figured that this may be a mistake, why are these ladies winning by such a large margin? In the first half no less. Puerto Rico deserved to have goals just like us, they have worked just as hard as our team so this isn't right! They already do not get to be a full state but only a Territory after all. The half was coming to a close so I thought to myself "They will probably let Puerto Rico comeback and the game will end a draw". When it comes to scores, nothing gets my old blood churning faster than an equal score. So half time was about to begin but then, BAM, you ladies scored again! I couldn't believe my old, bloodshot eyes! 4 goals while Puerto Rico is over there working so hard to be left with 0. My heart started beating faster and a cold sweat was now secreting from my pores. I took this time between halves to calm myself down by reading some literature by my idol, Karl Marx. MMM nothing better than a socialistic paradise where everything is free and Donald Trump is our butler. I can picture it now, sitting in the white house, watching everyone in the NFL get a super bowl trophy for trying and the Donald paying for little Timmy's 8 years of Community College while fetching my rich, chocolate Ovaltine.
It wasn't a long daydream thanks to you ladies scoring yet again making the score 5-0. At this point I was livid and I was having trouble seeing straight, and then not even a minute later another goal!!! 6-0, Crystal Dunn.... I used to think Capitalism was the scariest thing to ever exist but Crystal Dunn has become the definition of nightmares. Ms. Dunn you alone scored 5 goals, you alone know what you have done to anger Grabpapa Bernie. I cannot stand for this! You won the game 10-0. Now Puerto Rico understands how to be compassionate players, they scored an own goal. Why could you ladies not at least return the favor? What is even worse is that in the last 4 games you ladies have outscored the opponent 21-0. Which is the reason why that I ask, no DEMAND that you disband this insensitive fat cat team you have. Every other team deserves to win, just as much as us! No more, no less. So as I finish up this letter, I want you to remember that winning is not everything, it's whether you had fun or not and if you were apart of a team.
Why Bernie Sanders is wrong and USWNT are Great
So I just got done reading Bernie Sanders letter above to the US Women's Team and holy hell is he bat shit crazy. Makes me wonder what they put in the water up there in Vermont? Probably the same stuff the Canadians are drinking? First of all, why would we want to draw with a team as bad as Puerto Rico? If you've been following along to the blogs, you'll notice that it pisses me off when the US Men's team barely beats a team that claims to be a land full of ice (Iceland AKA Isis-land) and this old lunatic wants draws? Well thankfully our women's team is kicking ass and taking names. The outcome from Monday shows you exactly why Puerto Rico wants to be the 51st state, so that way they can feel the rush of excitement when winning by such a large margin. Since December, the team is 6-1 with a 29-1 goal differential. If it wasn't for a slip up in Amy Wambach's last game, this team would be 7-0 with 40-0 as the goal differential. Truth be told, if you were to try and submit the game against Puerto Rico to a pornography site, you will most likely be arrested for trying to post video of a rape. Keep up the great work ladies, your country is proud of you, well most of us anyways.