In the immortal words spoken by the late, great Michael Jordan on his decision to return to the NBA after a stint playing baseball to hide away from his gambling debts and bookies, "I'm Back". That's right, this blogger is back after a long time off to hide away from similar situations that MJ had to go through. Mine however were more along the lines of how the US Men's National Team decided to just roll over and let the Argentine god, Lionel "The Magic Man" Messi have his way with the team in the Copa tournament. That loss sent me into a deep, deep depression that only a gold medal in the Olympics would have cured. Well as you can see by the title of this blog, things did not go as planned. A country that's basically only known for its meatballs and their crazy accents took down the most dominant power in the world. The goddess herself, Alex Morgan went from savior with a equalizing goal missed a penalty kick in the loss to Sweden. The USWNT loss to Sweden in the Quarterfinals of the Rio Olympics is basically the equivalent scenario to the country of Haiti beating the US in a war, or a cheetah being Usain Bolt in a race. The US Women’s National Team loss to Sweden along with the losses in the Copa sent me into a suicidal mood that I didn't think would ever be cured, much like the famous Zika Virus.

These losses have made me question my American pride and if this country truly is free or if it's just a cool catchphrase to say "land of the free". Maybe the US was just the first country to think of this and they marketed the hell out of the phrase so now we got Mexicans and Canadians coming here and making things less free. All of these thoughts lead me to go to my nearest government building, the post office, and pray to the American forefathers that once governed this, what I used to thing great nation. I meditated for hours praying to Lincoln, Washington, Reagan and Clint Eastwood. That day, none of my prayers were answered, not one sign that this country is free or that the soccer teams will bounce back and restore my American pride. On my walk home, I decided that it was just time to end this charade of a life and rid myself of all the pain and sorrow.

There was a bridge that overlooked a busy highway that would definitely do the trick, maybe through death I'll finally be free and happy. As I climbed on the ledge of the bridge, I looked down and just knew this was the right choice to make. I looked up to the sky one last time to see if there were any signs to stop, but nothing. As I spoke my final words, "Read my lips, no new taxes", a car stopped and yelled at me to get down and not to jump. I turned around to see who would possibly request this to me, it was the local mail man, a government worker who couldn't care less if I died or not. It would be one less person to sent mail to and an easier route for him. The mail man talked me out of jumping, he introduced himself to me, his name was Ulysses Anderson. For some reason, by powers beyond my recognition, I asked the man what his middle name was. When he replied to me "Samuel" tears of remorse and joy flooded my eyes. The man's initials were USA, you can't make this stuff up. A mail man with the initials USA saved my life, it's as if Reagan was up in Heaven with Jesus sending me a guardian angel. When I got home, I realized, this country truly is the land of the free, even if those damn Canadians keep coming down here and annoying the hell out of us.

 knew that the Women's team will come back stronger from this and win every tournament leading up to the World Cup and then destroy ever country they face in the World Cup and reign supreme over everyone again. I know the Men's team will finally become a force to take seriously and that countries will now fear the US in soccer. And I know that this country is the greatest one in the world. The suicidal thoughts are gone, and the American pride and patriotism are back and stronger than ever. To quote my favorite all time college football player Bobby Boucher, "Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush".   

Readers, I apologize for the absence that has taken place over the past few weekly blogs, I had made a vow to the soccer gods that I would not write again until the US advanced in a major tournament, and the soccer gods obliged! After that first game against Colombia, I thought for sure that I would never be writing these blogs again and entertaining the masses and the gods themselves. Hope was bleak and there was no momentum except for the amount of Freedom that is in the American air, filling the lungs of the US players. They knew that they needed to defend this country especially with the home court advantage that we have. Let’s face it, that 0-2 opening loss had every US fan thinking the same thing, "here we go again." But just like they tend to do, they find a way to surprise us. This brings me back to the point that this team resembles the Emilio Estevez Mighty Ducks more and more every day (see previous Blogs).

But let's dissect that opening loss a little more clearly. The match was played in Santa Clara, a relatively nice city in the Socialist Republic of California. This match may as well have been played in Colombia as the match was more of a home game for the Colombians than it was for our team. So with that in mind it seems as though we were doomed from the start.

Now let's take a look at the game against Costa Rica. The game took place on June 7th, the day after the anniversary of D-Day. The match was being played at Soldier Field. How could the US team not win this game? It had all the ingredients for a dominant performance, and that's exactly what the team did, they took down the Costa Ricans like it was nothing. With 3 first half goals and another in the 87th minute, they wanted Costa Rica to remember that you don't mess with the US.

And our last match of group play, Paraguay. This match was nothing short of a miracle victory. Paraguay had 16 shots to our 8, they had possession at 64% and we were even played a man down after the Yedlin red card in the 50th minute! The only way to explain winning this game is with one word, Liberty. This match was held in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; the city that our freedom was declared in. How could the US team have a let down in the city where the Liberty Bell resides and where Thomas Jefferson wrote the most incredible document ever written on US soil?

​Everything that happened after that Colombia match just goes to show you what freedom and liberty can do for a team. Next up we have Ecuador in Seattle, this game worries me. The People's Republic of Washington State is quite similar to California and Ecuador knows this, and they are anticipating an easy victory. This US team has a major test on their hands but I have faith that they will prevail! And to conclude, here is the quote of the week, "You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans" - Ronald Reagan

​My fellow Americans, what you are about to read today is a letter that has been found by archaeologists and scientists that will not only give proof that baseball isn't really America's past time, but it's actually the great sport of soccer. This document that we were able to get a copy of will show you the truth of what this nation was built upon. Now, please enjoy this literary gem for it holds truths that are self-evident.

"In Congress, July 5, 1776.
The Unanimous Declaration of the thirteen United States of America, that the sport of Soccer shall and will forever be the principals that this county will is founded on.

When in the course of sporting events, it becomes necessary for many people to join together in a battle arena and watch as greatness unfolds directly in front of their eyes. To watch as the soccer powers of the Earth separate the weak from the great. These separate and equal powers record the Laws of Nature and the soccer God's have entitled them. A decent respect to the opinions of other team’s fans is not required and should continue to impel separation unless given fair reason to strike your rival for they have said something to reprehensible about your beloved team. 
 
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all teams are created equal because most other countries suck, and do not understand the rights that soccer shall be endowed with Goals, 2 Goals and the pursuit of hat tricks. 

That to secure these rights, players and institutions of men, deriving their powers from the consent of the team owners, That whenever any form of a players union or management becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the fans to alter their fanship affiliation or to abolish it, and to institute a new favorite team. Laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its best lineup in proper formation, as to them shall seem most likely to positively affect their record and tournament chances. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that FIFA governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes, lest there is a scandal that determines outcomes of matches and destroys all credibility bestowed upon this governing entity. For example, if there were to be match fixings and dirty referees there shall be a process in which the governing body shall be removed and a new leader shall take over with no corruption; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed to. 
 
We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the supreme judge of the soccer world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name by the Authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united colonies, and of Right ought to be free to create expansion teams and create a league that will become stronger as the years proceed. We mutually pledge to each other our love, our devotion and our sacred honor to the game of Soccer."
 
There you have it, reader. This document is what helped shape this country into what it is today. It just goes to show that we need to realize what made America great and try to get back to these roots and make this country great again. The women's soccer team gets it. Hopefully the men's team will understand what this country was built upon and get their act together. To conclude, here is this weeks quote of the week; "Your clothes. Give them to me" - The Terminator
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​We're all familiar with the 5 known branches of the military; Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force and Coast Guard. But most people don't know about the 6th branch and the most dominant of them all... The USWNT. The US Women’s National Team is conquering soccer terrorism and spreading the beauty of freedom to countries all over the world. Just in the past weeks the branch of the military gave Colombia 10 examples of freedom and greatness. Throw in the SheBelieves Cup and the World Cup and they're basically taking over the world, one goal at a time. The rumor mill is ablaze that Steve Rogers is on the verge of handing over his Vibranium-steel alloy Shield to Carli Lloyd and Becky Sauerbrunn the real Captains of America. I know that I've written about this team winning all the time but what is better than winning? The answer, to put it simply, nothing. Not even a David Beckham’s Calvin Klein commercial competes with the feeling of winning. And that is one really, really ridiculously good looking individual. Everyone loves a winner and everyone forgets the loser.  Just ask Walter Mondale and Bob Dole! Who are these 2 men you ask? Exactly! Just a couple of losers that no one cares about. On the other hand, let's see all of the winners we can list, the US in the Revolutionary War, the US in World War 1, the US in World War 2, the US in being the greatest country on earth and the best country flag on the Moon. Just to remind everyone, the Moon belongs to the US. Just like the entire sport of women's soccer belongs to the US.
 
Also, on a side note, a couple weeks ago I had the opportunity to meet Servando Carrasco, Alex Morgan's husband. I was very ready to give this guy a piece of my mind and tell him that he's no good for her and that he should just kill himself or fake his own kidnapping so that Alex and I could finally be together. Surprisingly, this guy was one of the most level headed and nicest athletes that I've had the pleasure of meeting. He was cool, calm and in great spirits when I handed him my love letter for his wife. Now, I know what you're thinking, why would you give a love letter to Alex Morgan's husband? Well, that's because there were 2 ways that this could have broken down: way number 1, he would have ripped up the letter and decided to have fisticuffs with me; way number 2, he would have seen how much I care for Alex and he would have graciously said, "This letter moved me, I'm going to do the right thing and I'm going to divorce her immediately so that you two can be happy together forever.” And he would have admitted that I was the greatest. However, there was apparently a 3rd option that I had no idea would happen. He read the letter and enjoyed it! I was confused but at the same time I could see the pain hidden behind his laughter and that's when I knew that I should not be a homewrecker and steal his woman from him. I told him after he looked up from the letter, that the love note was actually just a satirically written blog and that I approve of his relationship with the Goddess herself. The man who I had hated for a long time was no longer my enemy, but was my friend. And with that I leave you with this week’s quote from the best Rocky movie, Rocky IV "I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!"

Click Here for the video of Servando Carrasco reading Alex Morgan's Love Letter!!

Now this is a warning for anyone who may take everything that you are about to read seriously, all of the following words express exactly how I feel about the Women's National Team wanting to have equal pay. I completely disagree with this, and here is why. Let's consider the most important thing in life, and as you may or may not know the most important thing in life is of course; as the promiscuous Charlie Sheen once said: "Winning". Winning is not only the most important thing in life, it's basically the only thing in life that lets us know that we're alive. The women should not have equal pay, they should have superior pay! Not only is their play is not only superior to the men's team, but they actually win World Cup(s) <-- PLURAL!

​These women should be making a substantially higher amount than their male counterparts until the men get their acts together and don't blow a key game like the qualifier against Guatemala. The team that I guaranteed victory against and we go and lose like a bunch of French men. Hey Jozy, get the French Maid's outfit ready for you and some of the others because that was a disgrace to this great country. The women deserve to be paid more, and I know that there will be people out there that say that the money that the men generate from their World Cup is much higher than the money that the women's team generates but that's like giving a trophy to a the water boy for just being in the right place at the right time. The women's team has lost once in the last year, while the men have lost once in the last week, lost the Gold Cup, and are not even attending the Confederations Cup because they lost. But hey, they should get paid so much more for just being men! From my research the women have generated more in revenue in the past two years than the USMNT. Does not make any sense!
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I get the arguments, one is more popular than the other on a global scale, and one gets all of the media and sponsor money, but where I'm from (the greatest country in the world) I learned that you should be compensated for your abilities and not just because you got lucky and fell into it. Free enterprise 101 people. Tthe better you are the better you should be paid. The more money you bring in, the more you should be paid. Which is why I think the women should be getting paid like royalty, not like commoners.  Forget #EqualPlayEqualPay it should be #SuperiorPlaySuperiorPay

Hello my fellow patriots! This week I would like to begin the blog on a serious note and briefly touch upon the attacks on Brussels. All of us at US Soccer Talk are deeply saddened by these malicious attacks and we send our thoughts and prayers to the family's that have been affected by these attacks and to all the families that have been affected by any type of terrorism. We hope that all of this hate and acts of violence will be extinct in the very near future and once again our thoughts and prayers with everyone affected by ISIS. 
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Now on to a more lax and stress free topics: the USMNT's new jerseys and the return of the Secretary of Defense, Timothy Matthew Howard.  First let's talk about the new crest. Personally I love this new crest. It looks and feels more American than the previous crest which looked like a 7 year old blind child using finger paint belched up a design for a crest. The little whooshing soccer ball in between the US was a little too childish for me. The stripes were the wrong color and it just didn't flow. Now remember this is my opinion and if you disagree, good for you, it's America. Feel free to say and express what you want! I won't block off roads and attack you for what you say! But I will say that you're wrong and you should probably shut up, but by all means speak your mind! To be fair, the old crest was better than the French crest. They've got a damn chicken on their crest, and I'm sure everyone knows why the chicken is on there (Read Last Weeks Blog). The new US Soccer crest however is a work of pure genius. It looks like Old Glory herself! 13 stripes with 7 red and 6 white, and the American Blue lettering gives you the feel of the stars with the blue background. And the addition of the A to the crest may be small to you but it just looks beautiful to me to see the entire acronym for this amazing country. 
 
The new crest is appearing on our new Jerseys that Nike so graciously thought of overnight after watching a marathon of cops. I'm not saying that I hate these jerseys, but I'm not saying that I'll have second thoughts about returning the jersey while I'm waiting at the checkout line. The home jerseys I will say look better than the Where's Waldo jerseys, but I just don't feel the American spirit from these. The light blue for the sleeves and upper back isn't the traditional blue that you'd expect to see accompany the US but it's not bad looking. If I had to rate the home jersey from 1-10 I'd give it a 6. So basically this jersey in relation to a Hollywood actress is a young Katherine Heigl, which means it's also a young Megyn Kelly (please google search these two and you will see what I'm saying, they're freaking twins). So now let's move on to the cop uniforms that the team will wear on away games. Personally I like them. Basically it's saying, to quote the great Doctor Venkman; "We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass". The Women's team is the most authoritative team on this planet, and when a call of indecent soccer exposure breaks loose, they arrive at the scene (pitch) and they get the job done. Just like the World Cup, and the She Believes Cup. This uniform lets the world know who's number 1 and who's here to keep civil order. Alex Morgan will now look the part of the Judge, Jury and Executioner. The blue and red on the sleeves looks like the siren lights that you hate to see in your rear view and the black jersey looks intimidating. To rate the away jersey from 1-10 I'm giving this one a solid 9, in contrast to last year’s jerseys which I give a perfect score of 10. To compare the away jersey's to a Hollywood actress I would have to say they are definitely comparable to Scarlett Johansson, whilst last year’s jerseys are comparable to David Beckham. 
 
Now that we've gone over the fashion portion of this blog, let’s get down to the nitty gritty of what you're actually here for... My ramblings of how much every other team sucks and my love for the US team. Coming into this WC qualifying match, we currently have the 30th ranked team in the world and Guatemala has the 95th. Now I'm not one to guarantee victory, unless it's in a game of "What's the best country in the World" but this match coming up should be a solid warm up to see how good this team looks. Klinsmann's named his 26 players, which you can see on our website at the following link "http://www.ussoccertalk.com/usmnt/usmnt-roster-named-for-wc-qualifying" in case you're wondering. This team looks solid, and I love that the Secretary of Defense is on the roster. When you, the reader, have a chance please make sure to welcome Tim Howard back to the US! He's back home in the MLS playing for Colorado and I couldn't be happier to have this beast stateside. I'm sure we'll put a nice beat down on Guatemala in both games and we'll be one step closer to the World Cup. And to continue the weekly quote of the week, this week brought to you by who I consider the most powerful Jedi of all time Yoda, "Do. Or do not. There is no try". 

​Sometimes when I watch the US Women's National Team play I just think to myself, is there anything more dominant than this team? So I go through the normal thought process of scenarios in which something is more dominant than the other and that list normally goes as follows; Superman vs a baby, sugar vs sweet n low, and Wawa vs any other gas station. Each of these scenarios has a clear dominant victor, but they all fail in comparison to the domination of the US Women's National Team. Alex Morgan is not only the most beautiful woman to ever grace this green and blue Earth, but she is the driving force of this domination. She's literally a dominatrix and the opposing countries are paying for her services. France and Germany were witnesses to a great dose of pain from Ms. Morgan and I'm sure they're quite sore to this day.

Another great thing about winning the SheBelieves Cup is that we beat up on countries with some sketchy histories. Let's walk through the list of the losers that tried to stand in the way of the USA. First up we had, England. Let's try and rack our brains and think of a time in which England was a threat to the US... that's right, the American Revolutionary War. Just as we did back in the 1700's, we did exactly that in the opening round of the tournament. Crystal Dunn, Puerto Rico's worst nightmare, had one of the most impressive goals you will ever see. This goal against England, to put it in historical terms, was comparable to John Hancock signing the Declaration of Independence. That ball, as it was jetting towards the upper 90 was yelling "Freedom" as it whizzed by the English keepers outstretched oppressive hands.

And with that goal, the US team advances to play what could possibly be one of the worst countries on Earth, France. The country that gave us socialism and women with armpit hair thought they would be a match for us. Well France, let's take a look at your colorful history. Sure they "helped" us out in our Revolutionary War.... After they realized we were going to defeat the English, in what I consider a piggy back move by the French to assert themselves as the dominant force in Europe. And let’s not forget what they're very good at, giving up and surrendering. In the 2nd round of the SheBelieves Cup, France did what they did on June 22, 1940 against Germany, they gave up (a goal). Alex Morgan, I'm sure by now you know that we at USsoccerTalk.com admire the beauty of Alex Morgan but her incredibly gifted play on the pitch. The 91st minute goal by Ms. Morgan could only have been executed with such furious anger by receiving one of the most exquisite passes you will see by Mallory Pugh. And with that goal, down goes France, a common phrase throughout history.

Last but not least on the demolition circuit is the soccer powerhouse, Germany. I'm pretty sure that I don't have to go into great detail about the sketchy history that burdens this country, but I'll just use the following quote to sum it all up, "You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin'." - Lt. Aldo Raine from the timeless classic Inglourious Basterds. And just like in World War 2, Germany got an early lead on everyone but they poked the sleeping giant and the US took care of business. Proving that history will always repeat itself. Honestly, the only way that Germany could have even hoped to win this game were if they had the assistance of Italy and Japan, but even then the odds were never in their favor, and once again the USA prevailed and took home the Cup!

​Winning is simply the only thing that makes sense to this great country and the USWNT exemplifies this attitude with their impressive play. To conclude this week's blog, here is the quote of the week; “Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du, yeah”. - Hanson from the hit classic MMMbop

There are moments in history that you will always remember where you were, whether that be 9/11, the Kennedy assassination, the Lincoln assassination and even the staging of The Alamo (I still think it was an inside job)....  But I'm sure if you think hard enough you can remember exactly what you were doing with such precise detail that it's scary. Well where were you February 26, 2016 at around 2:30 pm?? Please, think hard about this because the event in history that happened at that precise time is much more important that the previously listed moments. This was the day that the American Dream began for this expert blog writer. With the assistance of my previous employer, well mainly with the assistance of myself, they led the way to creating the perfect setting and opportunity for me to lay back in my Tempur-Pedic bed, fall asleep and finally envision the American Dream! (Basically I was fired. But I got fired for You! The American people. My love for this country outweighs my love for an office full of people that don't seem like Americans, more like Icelanders or Belgians).

I've always heard of stories of the American Dream and always thought they were fake. For example, presidential candidate Donald Trump supposedly got a small loan of 1,000,000.00 dollars and somehow was able to become even richer. Another example of this is the story of David Beckham, a man who is the symbol of everything England and all of a sudden he comes to America and creates a MLS team that will maybe/probably/not really be around one day. These dreams always pissed me off, like grandparents pissed off John Morgan of Morgan and Morgan (((Floridians will be the only ones that get this (well only the ones that listen to the radio (and only the ones that listen to commercials around the end of 2015 to be specific))).

​Well 02/26/2016 is the day I finally laid down and the dream began! I can now fully focus my entire day on writing blogs for you, the loyal fans. I can finally focus fully on creating videos that not only make you laugh, but are heartfelt and make you feel real emotions. With this new dream/opportunity, these blogs will now resemble some the greatest writings in history. I want these blogs to be compared to the greats of Dr. Seuss, RL Stine, and the genius that is Nicholas Sparks. And the incredible videos that we will continue to produce will make Michael Moore not only breathe heavily and salivate because of how obese he is, but make him weep from the beauty that is in front of him. The beauty of these films will be compared to the beauty of David Beckham. All of which will hopefully one day lead to the appearance of David Beckham in one of our videos. So much beauty in one setting that the only thing that can come from it, is world peace. The only thing that can make this event even more beautiful would be to have both Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo show up and hold hands in the video. Showing that 2 countries that have such a horrid history, like the infamous War of Succession in 1580, can come together and hold hands in a video of pure beauty. Sorry Alex Morgan, there is only 1 thing more beautiful than you, and that is the aforementioned hand holding between these two modeling greats. So for weeks to come, and even years to come you the reader/viewer will be titillated with the greatest and most beautiful material you will have ever seen. And I'll leave you with the quote of the week, as once said by President George W. Bush "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."

Dear Alex,
After reading Last Week’s No PC in Soccer Blog, I felt that I could not hold back anymore. Not In my wildest dreams would I ever have imagined you would be available again after your marriage to Servando Carrasco, but if you’re somehow persuaded to join the cesspool of singledom again (I mean last week’s article was pretty persuasive) then I want you to know you have another option). Now, I may not be a professional soccer player like your husband, but I am a blue eyed engineer with a thorough understanding of orbital mechanics. When the news broke that you were coming to Orlando to join the Pride my heart skipped a beat. I thought of Al Michaels at the 1980 Winter Olympics, “Do you believe in miracles?” Well Alex, I do. I definitely do. 

 have lived in Orlando all my life and your move to Orlando to join the Orlando Pride is the most exciting news since Harry Potter and Butter Beer appeared in Universal Studios. But instead of children running around with wands, robes, and pretending to fly a broom on a Quidditch pitch, this fan gets to watch you dominate the real pitch against the rest of the less fortunate NWSL teams. Now, in full seriousness, I’m not suggesting that you divorce Carrasco. Mainly because he is much bigger than me, and I’d rather he beat up the writer of last week’s blog. That way if they end up killing each other, I’ve got less competition. For now, I will settle for being besties. I will even settle for being pen pals – smoke signals will be just fine.

With undying love (or you know, eternal friendship)
Steven
PS – I’ll be at your first game anxiously awaiting your reply.