My fellow Americans, what you are about to read today is a letter that has been found by archaeologists and scientists that will not only give proof that baseball isn't really America's past time, but it's actually the great sport of soccer. This document that we were able to get a copy of will show you the truth of what this nation was built upon. Now, please enjoy this literary gem for it holds truths that are self-evident.
"In Congress, July 5, 1776.
The Unanimous Declaration of the thirteen United States of America, that the sport of Soccer shall and will forever be the principals that this county will is founded on.
When in the course of sporting events, it becomes necessary for many people to join together in a battle arena and watch as greatness unfolds directly in front of their eyes. To watch as the soccer powers of the Earth separate the weak from the great. These separate and equal powers record the Laws of Nature and the soccer God's have entitled them. A decent respect to the opinions of other team’s fans is not required and should continue to impel separation unless given fair reason to strike your rival for they have said something to reprehensible about your beloved team.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all teams are created equal because most other countries suck, and do not understand the rights that soccer shall be endowed with Goals, 2 Goals and the pursuit of hat tricks.
That to secure these rights, players and institutions of men, deriving their powers from the consent of the team owners, That whenever any form of a players union or management becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the fans to alter their fanship affiliation or to abolish it, and to institute a new favorite team. Laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its best lineup in proper formation, as to them shall seem most likely to positively affect their record and tournament chances. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that FIFA governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes, lest there is a scandal that determines outcomes of matches and destroys all credibility bestowed upon this governing entity. For example, if there were to be match fixings and dirty referees there shall be a process in which the governing body shall be removed and a new leader shall take over with no corruption; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed to.
We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the supreme judge of the soccer world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name by the Authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united colonies, and of Right ought to be free to create expansion teams and create a league that will become stronger as the years proceed. We mutually pledge to each other our love, our devotion and our sacred honor to the game of Soccer."
There you have it, reader. This document is what helped shape this country into what it is today. It just goes to show that we need to realize what made America great and try to get back to these roots and make this country great again. The women's soccer team gets it. Hopefully the men's team will understand what this country was built upon and get their act together. To conclude, here is this weeks quote of the week; "Your clothes. Give them to me" - The Terminator