We're all familiar with the 5 known branches of the military; Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force and Coast Guard. But most people don't know about the 6th branch and the most dominant of them all... The USWNT. The US Women’s National Team is conquering soccer terrorism and spreading the beauty of freedom to countries all over the world. Just in the past weeks the branch of the military gave Colombia 10 examples of freedom and greatness. Throw in the SheBelieves Cup and the World Cup and they're basically taking over the world, one goal at a time. The rumor mill is ablaze that Steve Rogers is on the verge of handing over his Vibranium-steel alloy Shield to Carli Lloyd and Becky Sauerbrunn the real Captains of America. I know that I've written about this team winning all the time but what is better than winning? The answer, to put it simply, nothing. Not even a David Beckham’s Calvin Klein commercial competes with the feeling of winning. And that is one really, really ridiculously good looking individual. Everyone loves a winner and everyone forgets the loser. Just ask Walter Mondale and Bob Dole! Who are these 2 men you ask? Exactly! Just a couple of losers that no one cares about. On the other hand, let's see all of the winners we can list, the US in the Revolutionary War, the US in World War 1, the US in World War 2, the US in being the greatest country on earth and the best country flag on the Moon. Just to remind everyone, the Moon belongs to the US. Just like the entire sport of women's soccer belongs to the US.
Also, on a side note, a couple weeks ago I had the opportunity to meet Servando Carrasco, Alex Morgan's husband. I was very ready to give this guy a piece of my mind and tell him that he's no good for her and that he should just kill himself or fake his own kidnapping so that Alex and I could finally be together. Surprisingly, this guy was one of the most level headed and nicest athletes that I've had the pleasure of meeting. He was cool, calm and in great spirits when I handed him my love letter for his wife. Now, I know what you're thinking, why would you give a love letter to Alex Morgan's husband? Well, that's because there were 2 ways that this could have broken down: way number 1, he would have ripped up the letter and decided to have fisticuffs with me; way number 2, he would have seen how much I care for Alex and he would have graciously said, "This letter moved me, I'm going to do the right thing and I'm going to divorce her immediately so that you two can be happy together forever.” And he would have admitted that I was the greatest. However, there was apparently a 3rd option that I had no idea would happen. He read the letter and enjoyed it! I was confused but at the same time I could see the pain hidden behind his laughter and that's when I knew that I should not be a homewrecker and steal his woman from him. I told him after he looked up from the letter, that the love note was actually just a satirically written blog and that I approve of his relationship with the Goddess herself. The man who I had hated for a long time was no longer my enemy, but was my friend. And with that I leave you with this week’s quote from the best Rocky movie, Rocky IV "I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!"
Click Here for the video of Servando Carrasco reading Alex Morgan's Love Letter!!
Now this is a warning for anyone who may take everything that you are about to read seriously, all of the following words express exactly how I feel about the Women's National Team wanting to have equal pay. I completely disagree with this, and here is why. Let's consider the most important thing in life, and as you may or may not know the most important thing in life is of course; as the promiscuous Charlie Sheen once said: "Winning". Winning is not only the most important thing in life, it's basically the only thing in life that lets us know that we're alive. The women should not have equal pay, they should have superior pay! Not only is their play is not only superior to the men's team, but they actually win World Cup(s) <-- PLURAL!
These women should be making a substantially higher amount than their male counterparts until the men get their acts together and don't blow a key game like the qualifier against Guatemala. The team that I guaranteed victory against and we go and lose like a bunch of French men. Hey Jozy, get the French Maid's outfit ready for you and some of the others because that was a disgrace to this great country. The women deserve to be paid more, and I know that there will be people out there that say that the money that the men generate from their World Cup is much higher than the money that the women's team generates but that's like giving a trophy to a the water boy for just being in the right place at the right time. The women's team has lost once in the last year, while the men have lost once in the last week, lost the Gold Cup, and are not even attending the Confederations Cup because they lost. But hey, they should get paid so much more for just being men! From my research the women have generated more in revenue in the past two years than the USMNT. Does not make any sense!
I get the arguments, one is more popular than the other on a global scale, and one gets all of the media and sponsor money, but where I'm from (the greatest country in the world) I learned that you should be compensated for your abilities and not just because you got lucky and fell into it. Free enterprise 101 people. Tthe better you are the better you should be paid. The more money you bring in, the more you should be paid. Which is why I think the women should be getting paid like royalty, not like commoners. Forget #EqualPlayEqualPay it should be #SuperiorPlaySuperiorPay
Let's think about all of the 4 letter words in the American English language that really make people raging with anger; all of the curse words, Nazi, Jazz, Khan (From Star Trek) and LOSE. I can not think of any word worse than the word Lose, just hearing this word uttered in conjunction with anything near and dear to me makes me want to punch a baby. As I watched the US Men's National Team just implode against a Guatemalan team that was just happy to even be on the same field with a team from the greatest country on Earth, I was furious! How, seriously, how on God's green Earth could this have happened?
That loss hurt for many reasons, firstly it shows how poorly coached and selected this team may be. We got shut out, and it puts us in panic mode for making the world cup in 2018. Not making the World Cup would be one of the most embarrassing things that could happen to this team other than losing to Guatemala, so yeah that was a really bad and stupid loss. Thank God they were able to come back and get the 4-0 win to give us a slight sigh of relief. But right after that 4-0 win, what does the under 23 team go and do? Well you guessed it, they were able to put a L next to the results of this match. This loss knocks us out of the Olympics yet again in soccer. I don't know what's going on with this team, have they been watching too many Lena Dunham shows and interviews and decided that they want to be gross annoying losers for the rest of their lives?
Should we sign a petition requesting that their citizenship for this country be revoked? I have no idea what we can do to inspire these teams to win more consistently especially against inferior competition. Did the Guatemalan's poison the bananas of the US team prior to the match? All questions that we need answered before we keep collecting losses as if their going out of business. The only way I have been able to sleep at night is knowing that the Women's Team is doing what America knows best, Winning! It's all the country knows! Back to Back World War Champions, we won a Cold War, we won the race to the moon, we can proudly say that without the USA every other country would probably have killed each other off the planet by now, which is a win for everyone.