Myspace, Napster, AOL and Friendster, All of These Have Nothing to do with This Week's Blog, Enjoy :)
Hello my fellow patriots! This week I would like to begin the blog on a serious note and briefly touch upon the attacks on Brussels. All of us at US Soccer Talk are deeply saddened by these malicious attacks and we send our thoughts and prayers to the family's that have been affected by these attacks and to all the families that have been affected by any type of terrorism. We hope that all of this hate and acts of violence will be extinct in the very near future and once again our thoughts and prayers with everyone affected by ISIS.
Now on to a more lax and stress free topics: the USMNT's new jerseys and the return of the Secretary of Defense, Timothy Matthew Howard. First let's talk about the new crest. Personally I love this new crest. It looks and feels more American than the previous crest which looked like a 7 year old blind child using finger paint belched up a design for a crest. The little whooshing soccer ball in between the US was a little too childish for me. The stripes were the wrong color and it just didn't flow. Now remember this is my opinion and if you disagree, good for you, it's America. Feel free to say and express what you want! I won't block off roads and attack you for what you say! But I will say that you're wrong and you should probably shut up, but by all means speak your mind! To be fair, the old crest was better than the French crest. They've got a damn chicken on their crest, and I'm sure everyone knows why the chicken is on there (Read Last Weeks Blog). The new US Soccer crest however is a work of pure genius. It looks like Old Glory herself! 13 stripes with 7 red and 6 white, and the American Blue lettering gives you the feel of the stars with the blue background. And the addition of the A to the crest may be small to you but it just looks beautiful to me to see the entire acronym for this amazing country.
The new crest is appearing on our new Jerseys that Nike so graciously thought of overnight after watching a marathon of cops. I'm not saying that I hate these jerseys, but I'm not saying that I'll have second thoughts about returning the jersey while I'm waiting at the checkout line. The home jerseys I will say look better than the Where's Waldo jerseys, but I just don't feel the American spirit from these. The light blue for the sleeves and upper back isn't the traditional blue that you'd expect to see accompany the US but it's not bad looking. If I had to rate the home jersey from 1-10 I'd give it a 6. So basically this jersey in relation to a Hollywood actress is a young Katherine Heigl, which means it's also a young Megyn Kelly (please google search these two and you will see what I'm saying, they're freaking twins). So now let's move on to the cop uniforms that the team will wear on away games. Personally I like them. Basically it's saying, to quote the great Doctor Venkman; "We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass". The Women's team is the most authoritative team on this planet, and when a call of indecent soccer exposure breaks loose, they arrive at the scene (pitch) and they get the job done. Just like the World Cup, and the She Believes Cup. This uniform lets the world know who's number 1 and who's here to keep civil order. Alex Morgan will now look the part of the Judge, Jury and Executioner. The blue and red on the sleeves looks like the siren lights that you hate to see in your rear view and the black jersey looks intimidating. To rate the away jersey from 1-10 I'm giving this one a solid 9, in contrast to last year’s jerseys which I give a perfect score of 10. To compare the away jersey's to a Hollywood actress I would have to say they are definitely comparable to Scarlett Johansson, whilst last year’s jerseys are comparable to David Beckham.
Now that we've gone over the fashion portion of this blog, let’s get down to the nitty gritty of what you're actually here for... My ramblings of how much every other team sucks and my love for the US team. Coming into this WC qualifying match, we currently have the 30th ranked team in the world and Guatemala has the 95th. Now I'm not one to guarantee victory, unless it's in a game of "What's the best country in the World" but this match coming up should be a solid warm up to see how good this team looks. Klinsmann's named his 26 players, which you can see on our website at the following link "http://www.ussoccertalk.com/usmnt/usmnt-roster-named-for-wc-qualifying" in case you're wondering. This team looks solid, and I love that the Secretary of Defense is on the roster. When you, the reader, have a chance please make sure to welcome Tim Howard back to the US! He's back home in the MLS playing for Colorado and I couldn't be happier to have this beast stateside. I'm sure we'll put a nice beat down on Guatemala in both games and we'll be one step closer to the World Cup. And to continue the weekly quote of the week, this week brought to you by who I consider the most powerful Jedi of all time Yoda, "Do. Or do not. There is no try".
Sometimes when I watch the US Women's National Team play I just think to myself, is there anything more dominant than this team? So I go through the normal thought process of scenarios in which something is more dominant than the other and that list normally goes as follows; Superman vs a baby, sugar vs sweet n low, and Wawa vs any other gas station. Each of these scenarios has a clear dominant victor, but they all fail in comparison to the domination of the US Women's National Team. Alex Morgan is not only the most beautiful woman to ever grace this green and blue Earth, but she is the driving force of this domination. She's literally a dominatrix and the opposing countries are paying for her services. France and Germany were witnesses to a great dose of pain from Ms. Morgan and I'm sure they're quite sore to this day.
Another great thing about winning the SheBelieves Cup is that we beat up on countries with some sketchy histories. Let's walk through the list of the losers that tried to stand in the way of the USA. First up we had, England. Let's try and rack our brains and think of a time in which England was a threat to the US... that's right, the American Revolutionary War. Just as we did back in the 1700's, we did exactly that in the opening round of the tournament. Crystal Dunn, Puerto Rico's worst nightmare, had one of the most impressive goals you will ever see. This goal against England, to put it in historical terms, was comparable to John Hancock signing the Declaration of Independence. That ball, as it was jetting towards the upper 90 was yelling "Freedom" as it whizzed by the English keepers outstretched oppressive hands.
And with that goal, the US team advances to play what could possibly be one of the worst countries on Earth, France. The country that gave us socialism and women with armpit hair thought they would be a match for us. Well France, let's take a look at your colorful history. Sure they "helped" us out in our Revolutionary War.... After they realized we were going to defeat the English, in what I consider a piggy back move by the French to assert themselves as the dominant force in Europe. And let’s not forget what they're very good at, giving up and surrendering. In the 2nd round of the SheBelieves Cup, France did what they did on June 22, 1940 against Germany, they gave up (a goal). Alex Morgan, I'm sure by now you know that we at USsoccerTalk.com admire the beauty of Alex Morgan but her incredibly gifted play on the pitch. The 91st minute goal by Ms. Morgan could only have been executed with such furious anger by receiving one of the most exquisite passes you will see by Mallory Pugh. And with that goal, down goes France, a common phrase throughout history.
Last but not least on the demolition circuit is the soccer powerhouse, Germany. I'm pretty sure that I don't have to go into great detail about the sketchy history that burdens this country, but I'll just use the following quote to sum it all up, "You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin'." - Lt. Aldo Raine from the timeless classic Inglourious Basterds. And just like in World War 2, Germany got an early lead on everyone but they poked the sleeping giant and the US took care of business. Proving that history will always repeat itself. Honestly, the only way that Germany could have even hoped to win this game were if they had the assistance of Italy and Japan, but even then the odds were never in their favor, and once again the USA prevailed and took home the Cup!
Winning is simply the only thing that makes sense to this great country and the USWNT exemplifies this attitude with their impressive play. To conclude this week's blog, here is the quote of the week; “Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du, yeah”. - Hanson from the hit classic MMMbop
There are moments in history that you will always remember where you were, whether that be 9/11, the Kennedy assassination, the Lincoln assassination and even the staging of The Alamo (I still think it was an inside job).... But I'm sure if you think hard enough you can remember exactly what you were doing with such precise detail that it's scary. Well where were you February 26, 2016 at around 2:30 pm?? Please, think hard about this because the event in history that happened at that precise time is much more important that the previously listed moments. This was the day that the American Dream began for this expert blog writer. With the assistance of my previous employer, well mainly with the assistance of myself, they led the way to creating the perfect setting and opportunity for me to lay back in my Tempur-Pedic bed, fall asleep and finally envision the American Dream! (Basically I was fired. But I got fired for You! The American people. My love for this country outweighs my love for an office full of people that don't seem like Americans, more like Icelanders or Belgians).
I've always heard of stories of the American Dream and always thought they were fake. For example, presidential candidate Donald Trump supposedly got a small loan of 1,000,000.00 dollars and somehow was able to become even richer. Another example of this is the story of David Beckham, a man who is the symbol of everything England and all of a sudden he comes to America and creates a MLS team that will maybe/probably/not really be around one day. These dreams always pissed me off, like grandparents pissed off John Morgan of Morgan and Morgan (((Floridians will be the only ones that get this (well only the ones that listen to the radio (and only the ones that listen to commercials around the end of 2015 to be specific))).
Well 02/26/2016 is the day I finally laid down and the dream began! I can now fully focus my entire day on writing blogs for you, the loyal fans. I can finally focus fully on creating videos that not only make you laugh, but are heartfelt and make you feel real emotions. With this new dream/opportunity, these blogs will now resemble some the greatest writings in history. I want these blogs to be compared to the greats of Dr. Seuss, RL Stine, and the genius that is Nicholas Sparks. And the incredible videos that we will continue to produce will make Michael Moore not only breathe heavily and salivate because of how obese he is, but make him weep from the beauty that is in front of him. The beauty of these films will be compared to the beauty of David Beckham. All of which will hopefully one day lead to the appearance of David Beckham in one of our videos. So much beauty in one setting that the only thing that can come from it, is world peace. The only thing that can make this event even more beautiful would be to have both Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo show up and hold hands in the video. Showing that 2 countries that have such a horrid history, like the infamous War of Succession in 1580, can come together and hold hands in a video of pure beauty. Sorry Alex Morgan, there is only 1 thing more beautiful than you, and that is the aforementioned hand holding between these two modeling greats. So for weeks to come, and even years to come you the reader/viewer will be titillated with the greatest and most beautiful material you will have ever seen. And I'll leave you with the quote of the week, as once said by President George W. Bush "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
After reading Last Week’s No PC in Soccer Blog, I felt that I could not hold back anymore. Not In my wildest dreams would I ever have imagined you would be available again after your marriage to Servando Carrasco, but if you’re somehow persuaded to join the cesspool of singledom again (I mean last week’s article was pretty persuasive) then I want you to know you have another option). Now, I may not be a professional soccer player like your husband, but I am a blue eyed engineer with a thorough understanding of orbital mechanics. When the news broke that you were coming to Orlando to join the Pride my heart skipped a beat. I thought of Al Michaels at the 1980 Winter Olympics, “Do you believe in miracles?” Well Alex, I do. I definitely do.
have lived in Orlando all my life and your move to Orlando to join the Orlando Pride is the most exciting news since Harry Potter and Butter Beer appeared in Universal Studios. But instead of children running around with wands, robes, and pretending to fly a broom on a Quidditch pitch, this fan gets to watch you dominate the real pitch against the rest of the less fortunate NWSL teams. Now, in full seriousness, I’m not suggesting that you divorce Carrasco. Mainly because he is much bigger than me, and I’d rather he beat up the writer of last week’s blog. That way if they end up killing each other, I’ve got less competition. For now, I will settle for being besties. I will even settle for being pen pals – smoke signals will be just fine.
With undying love (or you know, eternal friendship)
PS – I’ll be at your first game anxiously awaiting your reply.